This evening I received a very out of the blue message from someone who was once a big part of my life. Not good news. I am a fairly nurturing person. I am good in a crisis. I am good at solutions and shoulders to lean on. So, perhaps it only makes sense that when a serious crisis presents itself, he would think to turn to me. Maybe it is even fitting that faced with his own mortality, he thinks of someone with whom he once entertained thoughts of spending his life.
Unfortunately, I can't be there for him. I'm not the right person. It wouldn't be good for either of us to open that particular Pandora's box. No, really. It wouldn't be good for either of us. Our relationship didn't work because we couldn't even manage a friendship. So, as much as it gnaws at me, I can't be there... or maybe I just refuse. If ever there was a right time not to get involved, this is it.
So, why am I posting this here? Isn't this a private matter? Probably. But I am a nurturing person and this feels completely out of character and somewhat uncomfortable. (I can hear Vanessa applauding somewhere in Manhattan.) So I guess that I would like to leave some record of the fact that I have thought this through. I am saddened and concerned. I wish him the best... and I still know that I cannot get involved.
Maybe it makes me a bad person. Maybe it makes me a little more sane than usual. In either case, this is how it is.
Sunday, 30 November 2008
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
back
So, my viewing public, as you may have guessed, I've been on hiatus. I needed a chance to sort through the wreckage of the last year and dwell in the possibilities of the new. Since, we all know that I like a little bit of symbolism... my birthday fell at a convenient time this year. Not a New Year, but my new year. So I shut down my facebook, my mobile, my email (mostly), and walked away from this little cyberspace for a moment. Please don't take it personally.
So why the need to regroup, you ask? While I don't think I can reasonably claim that this past year was the worst year of my life-- that's a toss up between my 7th and 19th years-- I can say that it hasn't been my favorite. If you are curious as to why, please feel no bonds to decorum. Ask and you shall receive. But in this little resurrection post I may attempt to redeem this last year by highlighting just some of the 'new and good' that emerged from it. (An idea clearly pilfered from Susie.)
Without further ado...
The new: a penchant for fermented green tea leaf salads, a newfound affection for cats, red dancing shoes, a real relationship with my (rather wonderful) brother, the perfect recipe for Moroccan almond and orange tort, a sense of closure.
The good: (in addition to all of the above) Clara's transformation, a deep awareness and awe of some of the friendships we've formed, , a return to my writing ways, picnics in the park (ok, ok, parks plural in London and New York and Bogota), feeling uncomfortable.
And so with that I bid farewell to my last year. Or at least make peace with it. Or at least try to. Can't really exorcise the past without denying the future, or at least I don't believe we can. So, yes, I'll hold on to the lessons and unfortunately probably some of the anxieties of the past year of my life. But let me say this here in this strange little space that's neither public nor private: if you find me dwelling too long in the dramas of the past year, remind me that if I want to revisit them I should A) do so through the writing of my dissertation (ok, that only pertains to the dramas of the field) and B) dwell in the continuing possibilities. Tune in next time and perhaps, perhaps, perhaps I will share some of the possibilities and promises of the months ahead.
much love
So why the need to regroup, you ask? While I don't think I can reasonably claim that this past year was the worst year of my life-- that's a toss up between my 7th and 19th years-- I can say that it hasn't been my favorite. If you are curious as to why, please feel no bonds to decorum. Ask and you shall receive. But in this little resurrection post I may attempt to redeem this last year by highlighting just some of the 'new and good' that emerged from it. (An idea clearly pilfered from Susie.)
Without further ado...
The new: a penchant for fermented green tea leaf salads, a newfound affection for cats, red dancing shoes, a real relationship with my (rather wonderful) brother, the perfect recipe for Moroccan almond and orange tort, a sense of closure.
The good: (in addition to all of the above) Clara's transformation, a deep awareness and awe of some of the friendships we've formed, , a return to my writing ways, picnics in the park (ok, ok, parks plural in London and New York and Bogota), feeling uncomfortable.
And so with that I bid farewell to my last year. Or at least make peace with it. Or at least try to. Can't really exorcise the past without denying the future, or at least I don't believe we can. So, yes, I'll hold on to the lessons and unfortunately probably some of the anxieties of the past year of my life. But let me say this here in this strange little space that's neither public nor private: if you find me dwelling too long in the dramas of the past year, remind me that if I want to revisit them I should A) do so through the writing of my dissertation (ok, that only pertains to the dramas of the field) and B) dwell in the continuing possibilities. Tune in next time and perhaps, perhaps, perhaps I will share some of the possibilities and promises of the months ahead.
much love
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